Today was the first time I’ve had a good week in a long time. A good day is one thing, but a good week just never happens for me. Its especially unusual because I’ve been consistently functioning on only about 4 hours of sleep a day.
I think I’m happy with my week mainly because I finally feel like I know what I want to do with my life. It took a while to rule all the other possibilities out before finally realizing that the only career I’ll ever really enjoy involves being surrounded by music. I wish I had been more honest with myself from the beginning. Instead I made the judgement that music was a hobby, not something I could build a career around.
However, now that I’ve accepted that I will not be satisfied with anything less than my dream, I will soon be a music education major. I still feel a little weary about the idea of being a teacher, but its growing on me.
I got about 2 hours of sleep last night because my room mate was on the phone until 5 o’clock in the morning. I don’t tell her how annoyed I am, I just get up and go to class at some point. I come back to my room after my morning classes are over, and try to catch some Z’s for an hour. I can’t sleep because I just had caffeinated soda for lunch. As I’m in my room trying to sleep, I realize I’m inside, and its really cold. I’m really not looking forward to walking to my next class in -16 degree weather. But I decide I’ll go anyway .Just as I’m starting to dream, I look at the clock. My class starts in 10 minutes.
While I’m getting ready, I remember that class was canceled the day before because my teacher was sick. There is a fairly good chance that she isn’t feeling better yet and has canceled again today. However, I have no way of knowing if that’s true until I get there.
I walk outside; its cold, and I’m not liking it. I get to the building just as I’m starting to lose the feeling in my ears. As I’m walking in, I see a couple of my class mates walking out. Sure enough, no class today. Then I have to walk back to my dorm. FML.
I’ve had my YouTube account for over a year now but I’ve so far only used it to subscribe to my favorite channels. Several of those channels are vlogging channels, and lately, some of those channels have been inspiring me to want to make some videos of my own. In July something happened to me that finally made me decide I was going to do it. I don’t want to spend any more time not doing something I might enjoy.
So today, I finally bought a decent video camera. I have an idea of what kind of videos I want to make and what I want my channel to be about. I know when I first start out, my videos are probably going to be pretty rough. I’m probably going to get frustrated at some point, and I’m going to spend too much time learning how to edit. My expectations are low, but I still want to make something I’m proud of.
For a while I really wondered if I was going to go through with this. Videos were something I watched that other people mad, but now that I’m preparing to get started with my own, I’m excited. Here’s to new beginnings and first steps.
So I’m sitting here at my desk at four in the freaking morning and I’m thinking too much. Why am I doing all this thinking at the ridiculous hour of four in the morning? I don’t know. Hey, what the hell am I doing in college anyway? I don’t know.
Its my second year here. Shouldn’t I have my shit figured out by now? I should, but I don’t, and it doesn’t help that I don’t know anyone else who has their shit figured out either. Which explains why no one has yet walked up to me, shook me, and asked me what I was thinking when I decided to major in English. English, really? What am I aspiring to be, a teacher? My whole life, I never understood why anyone would ever want to spend their lives as authority figures over kids. Being a teacher is the only career option I ruled out from the beginning, so what was I thinking?
Because I have no idea what to do, I’ve gone back and contemplated things I’ve previously considered to be unreasonable. For example, music. I was a band geek, and I loved it. That was the only thing I miss about high school. Being surrounded by music was incredibly inspiring and it made me want to leave my school an do something amazing. I wanted to conduct. Conducting is my dream job. However, I know several old men, who were more motivated during their days than I could ever be, who threw an awful lot of time and money into conducting degrees and got next to nothing out of them. So why would I reconsider this option?
Technically, I’m not. I’m considering something even more insane: